Boys Day Out

Alooo, today was wonderful. Considering tomorrow is my first paper. PEEE, since i've been slogging for the pass few weeks, today I gave myself 1 last deserving rest. To at least calm my mind. Reached school with the intention of studying, but it seems Hafiz and Mif had decided to clear our minds and have a good time. So we called Bob and head to Suntec City.

We arrived and as usual Bob was late. First up, we were greeted with a sight to behold. Beautiful ladies and Girls everywhere. Being the shy type, we only appreciate from afar and occasionally smile if they noticed us. Walk thru Citylink mall and stopped at MPH, browse thru some Sci-fiction books. Seems Fiz and Mif were into DragonLance whereas I was into the Star Wars Novels. Then came the best part. We were browsing thru some books which were on offer. We came across those "How to..." titles. One of them was "How to have good sex" yes its a book on how to do "it" right. Hahahaha. So being typical boys and curious, we flipped thru and boy did we hav a good time. I'll spare the contents. Next Fiz and Me read the "How to learn sign language" book. We really did learn a few stuffs, which we think would be useful. Even later on, we are using them. So after our trip to MPH, we move on to Suntec.

Upon reaching Suntec, we saw more chicks. Haha. We head to Harvey Norman. Played a little Xbox till Bob came. Saw the latest Creative Nomad Muvo Tx. Which cost only $199. Bloody hell. I just bought my Muvo Nx a few months ago and it cost me $200 plus. Anyway will research whats the new features in Tx. If it has an FM radio, Im gonna explode man Nx doesnt have it. After Harvey Norman, we head to Shaw thinking of catching a movie. Later we realise, that only 4 movies are being shown and the time were like either we missed it or we have to at least wait for 2 hours for it to start. So we scrap the idea. Instead had a late lunch cum early dinner at the usual Fried Fish Soup shop. While eating more sights for us to behold and we talked a bit bout our past. Kinda hilarious to think of our past antics. To think of it now, it seems stupid. But at that time, its like something different, something great or big. I guess thats what they call maturing.

After eating, we head to the Sultan Mosque to pray. Was thinking of the flashback I had the previous time i visited the mosque. Was half hoping it would happen again but it didnt. Maybe because this time i was anticipating it thats why it didnt came. I was caught unaware the other time. After praying, we walked all the way to Beach Road. Enjoying the sights and sounds of Singapore. Upon reaching Beach Road, pit stop for drinks. Then head up to the shops to look at some army/camping stuffs. Remembered those times as an Ncc cadet, where i use to come down and buy stuffs for camps. It was fun. We made fun of each other along the way. Then We had a sudden idea of visiting Nicoll Highway, we head up Golden Mile tower and stood at the carpark. It wasn't a first class view of the site but we did manage to get good view of the debries. Took some pictures with Bob's camera and off we go for Magrib prayers. Head to Mohamed Ali Mosque near Raffles Place. Funny such a name for a mosque. But it was underground and in a middle of a busy town area, easy for those working around the area. Use to remember going there for prayers when I was working at High Street during the six months break after my 'O' levels.

Then after praying, we head down to stroll along the Singapore river. Stroll along the numerous pubs and restaurants, feast our eyes on numerous, babes and party-goers. Some pub waiters and waitresses even offer us some drinks. Haha its fun lah. Talking to them but eventually we still hav to refuse their offer. Stroll all the way to Clarke Quay. Then we stopped at the river side and sat down for some chit-chatting. Talked bout our past, wave at some boat passengers, had plenty of laughs. Really had a great time. Then we realise that how time really flies when ur havin fun. Soon it was time for us to head home.

Took the train from Clarke Quay and alighted all the at Boon Lay. Had to stand all the way and my feets are killing me. Plus my ankle aint helping either, been wondering why it hasnt really heal yet. It been almost 4 no 5 months. Haiz I guess it needs more time. OK lah reached home in time for Incredible tales and Smallville. Am thankful for that. Even had time to shower first. Watch Smallville thru the computer haha with the new WINTV. Took some screenshots of Lana and Clark. Haha damn funny. Because of poor reaction time, sometimes i would get funny results. Caught some cute pictures of Lana and in some she sooooo drop dead gorgeous. Haiz she would only be a figment of my imagination. Not a chance for me to get to know her. Ok enough fantasizing

After watching Tv, helped dad bring the sofa out of the house. Tomorrow the new sofa will be arriving from IKEA. Yippie. But im not too big on the cover. It has plain white for the background and red roses all over the place. It looks damn Obit. Ahh nevermind Mom and Dad also dont like it, but didnt have a choise since the sofa comes with that cover. One lucky thing is that the cover is changeble. So ok will be buying a new cover when Hari Raya is coming. So now here i am updating my blog as usual. My shoulders are aching. Bones craking all over. Haha signs of aging? Nah. Just fatigue sitting in. Aiight time for to sleep tml's my exam and i wouldn't want to be late or rather too tired to sit for it. Ok bye guys and gd nite

-blog out-

another day

Speech Day

Today was Jurongville's annual speech day. Came down to check on my cadets. Haven been down for awhile, my saturdays are now fill with extra classes. Came down wearing my No.3, with Hakim and Ihsan. The boys were ok today. They did well. It was a good thing i came down, saw girls in uniform marching. Hahaha. NPCC, girl guides. Haha. With their tight skirts, butt swingging from side to side. ROFLMAO. Ok ok enough bout that.

After the parade me, Hakim and Ihsan went to the nearby coffee shop to talk. Had coffee, popiah and roti john. Had fun talking bout Ihsan's experiences at Guards camp. Went home after that, Mom told me I had received a letter. I thought it was some letter from SP, but it turn out to be a letter pertaining bout the sports award. It seems that i had received a Merit Certificate for participating in the recent TKD IVP. Haha, couldnt stop laughing. I mean i didnt expect it. But nonetheless another cert to add to my testimonials. Haha, seems to be an avid cert collector.

Ok lah nothing much to write, thatsbout it lah oh yeah Has anybody read the newpaper today? If you haven turn to page 20 and read the news on that page. It seems we have a real "superhero" in UK. ROFLMAO, cant stop laughing....

olrite bye and gd nite

-blog out-

boys day out

Cold and Empty

Halo people. Today started of well. Went to school to study with Mif, Hafiz and Fahmi. Reached around 12. Head for lunch first, then we prayed after which we start our revision. Finished the PEEE sessional paper. After revision, we prayed first before heading out to the stadium for our workout. Did the run, then pull ups. Halfway thru the pull ups it started to rain heavily. So we seek shelter at the stadiums. But the rain cant dampen our spirits. We carried on our sets on the stadium sets itself. We skipped the 3 rounds, around the stadium. coz it was wet. We decided to shower change and head to bugis for dinner.

Had the very delicious fried fish soup. Had a lot of Chilli padis. Now my stomach is complaining. Haha. After dinner, we thought of going to the Nicole highway, to see how bad the damage was. But realised it was too far. So we stopped at Masjid Sultan and prayed. Then while sitting down at the mosque, while asking God for forgiveness and my do'a, I had a vision. No not a vision, its more like a flashback. But it was very fast. A few seconds like that. I thought, what had just happened? Looked at the rest. They were busy praying. So I kept to myself.

In the flashback, well should I mention it? Ok I'll just give a brief one. In the flashback, I was being reminded of [place the most suitable name you can think of] From day 1 till, the end. Was it a sign from God? If yes, what does it mean? I was shock. I didnt know what to make of it. So I just sat there dreaming, till the prayer call jolted me back to reality. After praying, Hafiz dad pick him up so left me, Mif and Fahmi. We walked to Bugis station and head home. Since I stayed the furthers, I was the last 1 left. While sitting there in the train, listening to my Muvo, I thought of the flashback. Whats was it about? Then I felt, cold and empty. But I shouldnt be, I had a great time today. Studied, workout and had dinner with my buddies. It was a all boys outing. I had fun. But why? why do I still feel that emptiness inside of me? So I decided to take a chance. I sms her. She wanted to save her handphone bill, so it was short, 2-3 messages.

Reached home at 10pm as expected. Watched American Idol, checked my mail and now updating my blog. Been a long day today. A little tired. Back aches a little. The damn ankle is still hurting. Mind still buzzing bout that flashback.

Aiight, I think, I will stop thinking and head to bed straight. Tomorrow, will do more revisions but I dont think will be doing any training. Gotta rest. So ok people will end my blogging session now. bye sleep tight....

-blog out-

tired

Back to normal

Sorry guys for not updating. Been busy. Well today was great. Only went to school in the morning for Lab test. Then had lunch with my classmates at KFC. After lunch off to study at the plaza with Hafiz, Fahmi and Mif. Did PEEE.

At 4, we move out to the stadium for our workout. Did the usual run, pull ups, run again and sets. finish around 6plus. Showered and head home. Was damn fun today. We train both our mind and body. Gotta keep it balance. What good is a nice body without brains, right? Reached home ard 7plus. Then a surprise came. Uncle Kelvin came. It seems dad bought something for the computer. Uncle Kelvin is a computer technician see. So he helps my dad get computer parts cheap and i really mean cheap. So yeah dad bout an adapter for the computer so that you can watch TV on the computer. Yeah Power. I shall not reveal anymore then this. The rest is confidential coz its kinda illegal. Wanna know more, mail me or sms me. I'll see if i wanna tell you the rest.

Well ok now i can officially watch tv on the computer. No more running to and from between commercial breaks. Can sit down and watch it from the comfort of my computer screen. Hahahahaha.
Well got nothing else to write. ciao.

anyway am very very happy today. trained , studied and the WinTV plus 1 other factor which i shan't mention. WAnna know ASK. ahahha

nite
-blog out-

bored

Orange County

Hiya people change the theme of my blog to The O.C. Orange County CALIFORNIA. Love that show man. Looks abit like hollaween the color theme. Orange and black. haha.

Anyways, today wasnt that interesting. Sch as per normal. friday prayers. Then home again. Actually there is nothing for me to type about today except maybe, I watch Blueprints today. Titled Princess Moon. Its about first love and all. Very touching and sad story. Kinda reflects what most of us teenagers go thru, during that critical stage. PUBERTY. The show almost brought tears to my eyes. To be able to touch the audiences heart thats incredible. Good scriptwriting.
From the show, now i add another quote to my favorite quotes list.

"How do you measure love? Love is measured by the size of the hole it left behind"

The part where the narrator replied. "I finally understood what my father meant. When I saw my princess left, It left a crater in my heart" Tears start to well up man. So sad, so sad.

Ok lah got nothing elso to write lah. Gd nite people.

-blog out-

haha

Denial?

Received a message from a certain anonymous(whoever you are thank you for bringing it up. But i hav a hunch who you r but then again i might be wrong). Asking am I really happy? Well to be honest I dunno. Having all these mix feelings right now. There's so much pain and anger inside of me. That i have to find a way to channel it all away. I took up physical training. Well it really works. Durin trainin my mind is too tored to think and after the work out, Im like so high, so happy and free. What ever happens, happens.
"If you love something learn to let it go. If it comes back its your to keep. If it doesnt it was never meant"
So now what im doing is to go on, with life. Well the ghosts of the past still haunts me now and then. The past does linger around. But I cannot let it interfere with my life. I am in control. I should be the one to call the shots. So now Im getting up and am standing tall.

Ok well i hope anonymous, I hav answered your question. Aiight bout today. Had my second work out today. Push myself harder and manage to complete and keep up with Hafiz and Mif. We had a new member today, Fahmi, Mif's classmate. As usual we ran, the same route as Tuesday. After which we did the sets. Flutter kicks, scissors, crunches and etc. We did 2 sets today. Then followed by the 3 rounds round the stadium. Ran alongside Mif and sang songs. Really keeps your mind away from the tiredness. Then we did pull-ups. Did 8 assisted. Looks like I still need more work on the pull-ups. And from there we end our session. We ended a bit later today. Showered and came out, it was already 7 plus. Had dinner with them at KFC. And headed home. Good news. Hafiz has not been smoking. Keep up the good work bruddah. By no time you'll won't be needing them.

Reached home, family havin dinner. Watched TV. American Idol and the O.C. Love the O.C man. Nice cast, nice story line and Marissa played by Mischa Barton is damn gorgeous. Love the show. Syaz just finish her project. So now then I get to use the computer. Haiz and most of my friends are offline. Well nevermind its not like I chat with them anyway. Well felling tired and hot now. Man the temperature is a soaring 38 degrees. Looks like Im sleepin bare bodied tonight. OK people, gotta hit the sack. Nite....

-blog out-

glad

Aouw, I feel good, lalalalalala

Haha Gooooooooood Evening Singapore. Lovely day today. Well this morning wasn't late for AutoCAD test. Am happy for that. But halfway gotta go toilet. Stomach giving problems. But none the less manage to finish 90% of my test. After that had WTC. No more test so Im freeeeeee. Haha. But next week got presentation. Formal wear is a must. Awww damn. Nvm i kinda like it. Looking formal once in a while is nice. After WTC was lunch. Ate Nasi Briyani. SUPERB man. After that was PEEE. Probably the only boring event for the day. Haha.

Finish lecturer early, so Munir and I decided to pray first and slack around near the prayer area. Anyway our class is on the same level. So from where we sat we could see if our lecturer has arrived. Oh boy oh boy. *Whistle* Manage to feast my eyes. Girls walking in and out of class, corridors and lifts. Ahak. Typical guy stuff. When lesson starts, hand in my assignment. The personal website (I stayed up the whole night before, doing it) Lecturer was impress. SO again Im HAppy ahak.

After class, Now the fun begins. Head to the stadium, to meet up with Hafiz and Mif. My first day of intense physical training. Started of with a run. From the gate next to the stadium, we ran along SP to the gate near the Business block hill, up the hill, down again and to the stadium. Wow. It has been a while since i ran like that. Been out of shape. Kinda breathless. After which, I did 33 sit ups in 1 minute. Bad, very bad. Dissapointed man. How to go airborne like that. Haiz. Tried doing pull ups. After that ran 1 more round around the stadium. Could hav done 3, but couldnt catch my breath. Relax its only my first day. Soon, soon. After that did, flutter kicks, scissor kicks, push ups and crunches. Couldnt do as much as both Hafiz and Mif. But at least I tried. Nevermind slowly. After that, I couldnt get up. head was spinning. Kinda like something is crushing my head. Felt nauseatic. But i held on. Laid down and breathe. Drank a bit. After which, we are done. Fuhhh. That's quite a handful for 1 day. Slept half naked on the stadium steps. Cooling and also to subdue my spinning head. Woke up feeling refresh. Showered and then we were homeward bound. Yeah.

Am feeling happy and content with myself. Saw some TKD members doing some self training also. Good for them. Didnt join them cause, I've had enough for 1 day. Reached home showered again. Had dinner. Watched TV and now im updating my blog.

Yeah really had fun today. My mind is at ease now. Been thinking too much lately. About Smallville. Kinda envy Lex in a way. He looks so happy. If only I too could erase a few weeks or months of my life. That would have been fine.

Yeah but im happy now so no need for electro therapy. Haha. Anyway gd night people. Gonna wake up later to watch Man Utd Vs Leicester. AND also Tml going down to Specialist centre to collect my SPIDERMAN COMIC. YEEEHAAAAAAAAAA.

Gd Nite poeple....

-blog out-

another day

Solitaire

Juz got back from dinner with family. Went to our old neighbourhood to hav dinner. Boy have the place change. Played a little game with Dad. Tried to figure out what each store was before it is now. All those memories. My playground, the place where i grew up from. Then for a moment there, I though i could visualise all those fond memories. I could see myself, mom and old neighbours havin breakfast at the coffee shop. Me and my friends playing at the nearby playground. My 1st experience going to the market. Not to mention the MacDonalds where I spend most of my afternoons after school with my frens and families. They brought tears to my eyes. Miss those days. Where I was carefree and free of stress. I was just another typical young boy. Now look at me, all grown up, In poly and full of stress. Haha. Yeah really miss those times.

Nothing much happen these hols. Didnt go out. Stayed at home. Today woke up really late. Almost 2pm. Showered. Ate Brunch and watch "First Knight" on HBO. Nice show. About King Arthur and the knights of the round table. Maybe after my exams might want to go down to the library and look up on King Arthur and the knights of the round table. Heard they hav lots of stories. Plus Dad was a fan too. He only told me some of the stories. Im interested to learn more. Another project ahak for this hols. Project: Arthur. Yeah. Been making a list of activies to do this hols. To divert my mind haiz from certain things.

1) Change the out look of my fish tank.
2) Airborne course.
3) Look up bout King Arthur and the knights of the round table.
4) Update my "Ultimate Spiderman" comics series. (Its been a while)
5) Buy CDs (Piano Songs & Michael Buble)
6) New Handphone (Now this is optional, depends on Mom and Dad)
7) Clean up my room (Ahaks this is a must)
8) Repair my Computer. (the 1 in my room tat is)
9) Find a job maybe.

Hmm quite a list. Dunno if i can achieve all that. I'll try. Haiz. Haven been studyin. Yeah thats a major problem. Gotta start soon. End of Year coming.

28 April - PEEE
3 May - DE
7 May - Eng Maths

PEEE not really ready yet. Gotta brush up the old chapters. DE is ok. Quite confident. Maths is improving better than PEEE. That is. Have to pass all 3 papers. Even a just pass would be good enough for me. Well for DE I'll aim for a distinction. Haiz. So many things to do. So little time. Ahak. Procastinator at work. Well im just plain lazy ah. But somehow rather, I always pull thru. Dunno how also. PSLE and O levels also like that. Even CLT course also like that. Cant do pull ups, wasnt fit, was very nervous durin my mutuals. I think i failed 1. Made my PCs pissed. And still i pass out. I guess God has been watching over me. Thank You. But well maybe without my will and determination. I couldnt have done it also. So partly Its my effort.

Sometimes i wonder. God has always been there for me. For my exams, NCC and other stuffs. But when it comes to my personal life. I seem to lack in it. So God, if it isnt too much to ask. Could you help me. With my personal life. The problems im facing right now. Thank you.

Haiz am sooooo full. Wonderful dinner. Hmm nothing else to write. aye. ciao people.
Miss her sooooooooooooooo much..... haiz

-blog out-

bowl

Regrets

Yesterday was pretty hard for me. Had received the long awaited reply. The truth hurts I agree. Was dumbstruck. Didnt really expected it. The contents I mean. But still that was optimism at work. Looks like another fish got away, and a rare one that got away. I dunno she seems different in a way. Yeah yeah you guys will go "I bet you say that to all the girls you meet". No. Im serious. This fish is different. Nowadays its hard to find one who is in touch with our (malay) culture. Someone who doesn't get into the bad stuff but still has a fair share of problems. One who doesnt care much bout image but still looks good anyway. Smart but not overly. Most importantly has close family ties but of cause the occasional struggle between siblings. Well who doesnt almost everyone has squabbles with their family members. She's not the perfect kind of person but its someone you can really trust.

Haiz enough bout that. No use crying over spilled milk. In fact I've no more tears to shed anymore. All dried up. Morning lecture yesterday was canceled. Slept late. Couldnt really sleep actually. Up all night. Yeah yeah pondering over the matter. Who couldnt? Was a zombie in school. Munir and friends constantly had to warn me of the wall ahead. Comfort is all i got from them but its never enough. Never concentrate in class. If only a hole would appear and engulf me. That would have been the best.

Before going home. Munir shoke me up. He kinda, almost slap me. Told me to forget bout it and move on. I figured i guess so. That night went bowling with dad and his collegue. It really helped. Forgot all bout it. Was enjoying myself. In fact I played one of my best games yesterday. First game was bad, 96 points. 2nd game changed ball and rose up to 112 points. 3rd game was the best a whooping 133 points. The last game, i was getting tired and my thumb and ankle was hurting. It dropped to 92 points. Well im not that good a bowler. But 133 was my personal best. Was kinda proud of it. Then went to dinner at West Coast. Ate Indian Rojak, Beef Noodle and Honeydew juice to was down everything. Was thinking of dessert but was kinda full so had a slice of honeydew. All this while I had forgotten everything. I felt like myself again. But the moment I reached home, entered my room. Memories start to flow back. Another sleepness night.

Dad woke me up early this morning. Wanted to go to the cemetery. But we couldnt enter because of the traffic jam. It seems the chinese were still having some kind of "visit the graves day or something" So we turn around and headed home. Bought breakfast. Had lontong. Then got ready for Friday prayers.

Back from prayers and now slacking at home. Its 4pm now. Mom wanted to go down to Johor but dad didnt want too. Mom seems pretty angry. Dad too. Haiz. Better stay out of their way. Im bored. Almost, I mean I almost called her. I guess deep down inside I still miss her. Haiz. I guess I better study or go do something to occupy my mind. aiight ciao people.

-blog out-

mistakes

Mistakes

Mistakes upon more mistakes. Its always the same mistakes. Damn. 4 different relationships. 14 different crushes. All ended because of 1 common mistake. "I DIDNT GIVE THEM ROOM". Damn it always happens. No matter how many times I keep telling myself to learnt from mistakes, it always happens. Why? Why? why? There's no one to blame except for myself. In the end Im the 1 ended up hurt.

Paranoid? yes. Im always paranoid. Damn hate to say it but yes im what the called SS "shiok sendiri" FUCK. I mean conciously i know that its wrong. But subconciously i did it. why? Whenever im with them, Im like in a world of my own. Cant think straight.

Now that I know the reason why. I was like oh shit. Its the same old thing. Now i know its not them. Its me. Its really me. I guess im not ready for all this.

Well now i got too many things on my mind. Exams, Airborne coz, London trip and now this. What am I to do? I ask for it. So now i deal with it. "you play, you pay" or rather "I play, I pay"

I play, I pay. Its my life, my rules, my destiny. Now its time to face the music. I dunno if I'll survive. So just do it. Just..........

BRING IT ON!!!!!!!!!!!!

-blog out-

mahligai

Kinda got nothing to do. So i tried to translate this song for those non-malays out there and for those malays out there, My translation may not be accurate. Well what can you expect form a C5 right? Ok lah here goes.

Group: Lestari
Title: Mahligai Mu Dari Airmata Ku (Your Palace from my Tears)

Izinkan diriku meluahkan rasa(Allow me to express my feelings)
Maafkanlah aku andai kau terasa(Please forgive me if you're offended)
Biar kupaparkan apa yang terjadi (Let me relate what happened)
Moga engkau tak ulangi (So that you wont do it again)

Sungguh tak kusangka kau berpaling tadah(Really didnt expect you to turn away with open palms)
Setelah lamanya menjalinkan cinta (After a long relationship)
Dalam diam-diam kau sudah berpunya(In secret you have another)
Tanpa aku menyedari semuanya (Without me realising it all)

Aku mendoakan agar kau bahagia(I pray you will be happy)
Bersama si dia insan yang kau suka (With that person you like)
Percintaan kita tak sampai ke mana (Our love didnt last)
Setakat di bibir saja sayang(Only on the lips, love)

Kau bina mahligai dari air mata(You build a palace with tears)
Yang jatuh berderai di wajah sepiku (Which fell crumbling at my deserted face)
Hancurnya hatiku bisa tak terkata(My heart is so crush beyond words)
Terhumban rasa diriku (I feel like being thrown away)

Oh aduhai* ku masih ingati (Oh "aduhai" I still remember)
Janji manis dan saat romantis(Sweet promises and romantic moments)
Kau pintaku supaya setia (You request me to be faithful)
Akhirnya kau yang berubah (In the end you changed)

Oh tuhanku tabahkan hatiku (Oh God, persevere my heart)
Temukan ku dengan ketenangan (provide me with clamness)
Jiwa ini dibelasah rindu tetapi apa dayaku (This soul is filled with misses but what is my capability)

Kucuba pejam mata tapi tak terlena(I tried to close my eyes but couldnt sleep)
Kerana ku masih teringat padamu(because I still remember you)
Begitu payahnya nak ku melupakan(It is that hard for me to forget)
Pernahkah engkau fikirkan oh sayang... (Have you thought of it, love)

*aduhai = an exclamation of sadness

So what do you think? Sad? Yes. Kinda what i've been facing for almost dunno 5? 10? years of all sorts of relationship. All going down the drain. Haiz.

blah

Losing Control

Well before i start typing anything i just would like to wish my parents A Happy 19th Wedding Anniversary.

OK today was really I tell you one of the worst days ever. Woke up late, faced the dreaded cold shower, was late for class and etc etc etc.

OK lah maybe it wasnt that all bad. I did my tutorials. Didnt play around. Had lunch, saw her and yadah yadah yadah.

The worst part was later in the evening. Sent Syarah to class. Found out that both the lifts were down. Thats right both. WTH. So had to climb the stairs all the way to the sixth floor. Well im ok with it. But Mom and Syarah were panting. Pity them. Then later Mom went off for a romantic dinner with Dad. So i was the man of the house. Bought dinner at Jurong Point for sisters and myself. Syarah ended at 8 so i went out at 7.40 to wait for bus 243. The first bus came. It was that full but it didnt stop. It went past us. WTH. Ok nvm its only 1 bus. Check the time. still early. 2nd bus came, again it was full so it didnt stop. But there are only 4 people at the bus stop. We can squeeze what. Walau. OK nvm maintain my anger. Still got time. 3rd bus came and zoom it went by. Fuck i was damn pissed man. Check the time it was already 7.56 Damn late liao. So i walked all the way to Syarah's class. Which is bout 3 bus stops away. OK doesnt sound like a big deal IF I HAD TIME. I was rushing against time here. Was brisk walking, jay walking, jogging, runnnig all the way. The best part came when i reach the block. I forgot that both lifts were down. ARghhhhh still had to walk up 6 floors. By the time i reached home, I was sweating and kinda lost my appetite to eat. well what to do. After dinner finish up my PBIL report. Need to hand in tml. Haiz. got it done and now im updating my blog.

Aiight nothing else to write. will see you tml. bye people.

-blog out-

hurt

Insanity starts to engulf me

Woke up as usual. Faced the dreaded cold shower. Hand in my AutoCAD assignment today. Stress up because off the WTC test. Did some last minute adjustment with my group members in the dying minutes before the paper. After the paper, felt high. Was crazy can tell. Even Munir commented my over hyperness. Had lunch, dunno what to eat. So decided to go with the flow. They ordered Chicken Rice but when it was my turn to order, Bee Hoon Soto came out. Always last minute changes. After lunch, was walkin towards class, saw "her" with her frens happily eating and laughing. Its good to see her so happy. But cant help feelin so empty inside. So i looked away. Munir asked why the sudden quietness? I looked at him. Smiled and said nothing. A few minutes later, I manage to divert my mind back and i was myself again. Rong Kuan then came to the rescue by pulling something out of his bag. It was unexpected. It was the April's Issue of FHM. Aiight a good way to divert my thoughts. Cant really concentrate during PEEE lecture, started off with a day dream. Was jolted back by Munir. Then fatige came over me. Eyes were heavy.But i manage to hold on. Finish class early so had some time before IT starts. So Munir and I decided to pray Zohor first and slack at the T14 prayer area till class starts. Halfway thru, saw Chuan Heng leave. Then Rong Kuan. They arent going for IT it seems. Munir was tempted to leave too. I held my ground but later I succumb to him. Told our It lecturer we had to go off. So had our attendence taken and off we go. We didnt really go home. Instead, I wanted to drown my sorrows with something. So i suggested we go hav ice cream at macdonalds. So we did. I had 1 collosum cone and 1 large Sprite. Felt a little better after that. Cold but better. Nose started sniffling. Arh what the heck. Walk towards Dover. Saw Andrina at the bus stop. Now here is a beautiful girl sittin all alone waiting for the bus. In normal circumstances, I would hav gone up to her, chat for a while and maybe offer to sent her home. But "she" was lingering back in my mind plus the thought of Hadi (Andrina's boy) put me off. So I did the what normal guys do. Smile, wave goodbye and go off.

Was sleepy on the train. Had to stand. But somehow rather i seem to doze off. Almost fell. Lucky me. Or else i would have been the laughing stock. Reached home. Dump my bag and clothes aside. Showered, and straight to the comp to check for "the reply". None. As expected. What to do. Played Max Payne the whole day. Like 1 particular line. "You play, you pay. You bastard" Haha cool line.
Then stop playing to watch Police and Thief, Heartlanders, Incredible tales and Smallville. Damn, was sad to see Lana lying there and the helpless look on Clark's face when Lana said she would have to stay away from Clark. Haiz. Poor Clark and Poor Me. Like in the same position like that. I like the song in the end. Hurt by Johnny Cash. Found the lyrics and it kinda suits my day today. Going crazy and hurting myself all.

Aye im getting sleepy liao. Hadnt seen her online. Nah probably out late again. Haiz. Aiight gd nite people. ciao...


Johnny Cash - Hurt

i hurt myself today
to see if i still feel
i focus on the pain
the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but i remember everything

what have i become?
my sweetest friend
everyone i know
goes away in the end
you could have it all
my empire of dirt
i will let you down
i will make you hurt

i wear my crown of thorns
on my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
i cannot repair
beneath the stain of time
the feeling disappears
you are someone else
i am still right here

what have i become?
my sweetest friend
everyone i know
goes away in the end
you could have it all
my empire of dirt
i will let you down
i will make you hurt

if i could start again
a million miles away
i would keep myself
i would find a way


-blog out-

face off

Am I no longer a chapter in you life?

"That is the question, which thy post to thee. Will thou answer? Thy will not know. Will thou read thy blog and receive the msg? Thy not know. Thy hav been hurt. Thy am sadden for what has happen between the 2 of us. Thy had been kept in the dark and now request to be given light. Thy hav to go now. Farewell thee."

Aiight enough of Shakespearian language. Today started off with a bad note. Was abruptly woken p at 6am, which im suppose to wake up at 8am. Was dreaming peacefully when zap. The fan switched off by itself. Got up to turn it on again. But in vain. Sense something was amiss. Look around and realize, the time on my radio LCD screen was gone, and the distinct vibe of electricity in the air was gone. Then I realize, that the power had tripped. Dad was on it. The power came back on. Was about to adjust the time to what it was, the power was cut off again. Damn. We realize, that it was the water heater in the kitchen toilet. So a Do Not Use sign was put up and my sisters had to face the cold blaze of water in the early morning. I on the other hand went back to sleep.

Woke up 2 hours later and procrastinated another 30mins. 830 woke up and showered. Am use to the cold water due to numerous experience during camps. Head to school. Brought my DE text book which was heavy by the way only to learnt that we wont be needing it. What a waste of space. DE lasted for 30mins, so had an extended lunch break. After lunch had Project 1. Hand in my Melody Box. Had it marked, tested, I was interview and passed. Checked the time and it was 30mins past 1. Sms you know who. Knowing full well that she had finished. She was on the way to lunch with someone. Aye. Sms Din and Fiz to find out what they were doing, just to hang around and release some of the tension. Fiz was at home so he's out of the picture. Din was at FC5 doing nothing, so I skipped Cadd and went to meet up with him.

Talked bout stuff and slack till bout 3-4pm. Its real nice to have someone to talked to when your down. Haiz. Headed home. Fake a smile for mom. Wouldn't want to make her worry. Did a little work. Burn for Munir his CD and then relax. Talked to Mom bout some sensitive issues. Trying to open up a bit more to her. The talk went fine, she explain why she was so overprotective and I tried to assure her. Mainly all this is due to the fact that im having a chalet next week and hope that she would approve.

Cooked Omelets for dinner. Was a bit burnt, but who would complain. Watched FACE/OFF. It's a masterpiece. John Woo is a genius. Its one of my favorite movies of all time. The action was intense and the plot was fantastic. Plus it feature 2 of the best actors in the industry. Nicholas Cage and John Travolta. As Castor Troy and Sean Archer respectively. Wonderful I tell you.

Damn fuck. Was typing the blog and the power trip again. Once again my sis was showering. Didn't she read the sign? Sign... Kids nowadays never listen to instruction. Now I had to type it all over again. Kinda learn my lesson. Now I type my blog in words, because they have a file recovery system. So all I have to do later is to cut and paste. Haha. Smart isn't it?

Aiight gotta go.... And as for thee. Hope thy get a reply.

-blog out-

lost

As the days passes by, the distance between us widens

Such a sulky day today. Even the weather correspond with my mood. It rained heavily. Woke up pretty late. Showered, had brunch (breakfast cum lunch) then off to do some revision. Half way thru, had to do some work for dad. Didnt do much when my uncle msg me. Had a video conference. Its been awhile since I updated him bout life in Singapore. Its Grandma's birthday today so wish her thru the net. Miss them a lot. Saw Sofea, Thoriq and Hannah. Boy are they a sight for sore eyes. Chatted for awhile. Then had to continue my work.

Juz finish dad's work and my project 1. Time started 1pm. Time ended 11.30pm. Haiz i guess thats what happen if you procastinate in between. Nonetheless i manage to get it done. Only saw her online for awhile. In the afternoon. Juz ask how she was doing thats all. Kinda pathetic. Well at least i ask. Was feelin rather scared, afraid that she might react negatively. Dunno if she read my previous entry. The amount i wrote yesterday. I was thinkin. If i were a girl and a guy wrote that to me, well i would weep. feel sorry for him. A few readers, commented the same. I guess they were touch too. Be it boy or girl. Haiz. I dunno lah. Im in no position to say anything. "Another man's meat is another man's poison". What seem harmless to oneself doesnt mean its harmless to the rest and vice versa. All im saying is different people hav different opinions and thinking style.

She hasnt log in since then. Thoughts of uncertainty cross my mind. Is she safe? Whom is she with? Where is she? Is she happy? All sorts of questions. 21 questions. 101 questions. All come in at once. Was listenin to the songs randomly in my playlist. When Breeze's "Just a feeling" came on. Manage to capture a phrase in the song. Which goes like this "And if you love somebody else,
will you still pretend you're mine? Would you leave me like that? It's just a feeling i have." Am i so desperate to resort to those ways? I dunno for a moment there, I thought I could. But in the long run, complications would occur. Well there nothing much i can do though. All i do now is be a friend. Someone whom she can confine to if she needs help. But it seems she has others whom she trust more. Mainly its my fault. For not trying to get to know her more and vice versa. I remember she once said, she felt more incline towards me. I thought it was gonna be the 1st step towards a beautiful friendship. But alas look at what it turn out to be. Now fear has arise. Fear of losing again. Now i understand where the new explosive energy comes from. Its the fear. I quote from the game "Max Payne" - "I dont know bout angels. But its the fear that gives man wings". Now I understand the meaning of it all. In fear, man can do many wonders.

I hav nothing else to write now. But let me end with a song which happens to be playing right now on my playlist. Its by Breeze again but this time its titled "To Stay".

i'm tired of closing
my eyes without u
i want u closer
i don't know what to do
i see it come
i can't turn away
i'll never let u
let u go away

I make my mind up
i'd taste the love i know the game
don't wanna lose ya
don't wanna lose ya
and i never wanna let u go

everything u do commits me to stay
it's the hardest thing i'd ever have to say
cos i know that i been light years away
everything u do now
everything commits me to stay

you're all that matters
matters to me
you're all i want now
how could i let it be
whatever happens
i'll be in ur eyes
i'll take it bck and
give it all inside

I make my mind up
i'd taste the love i know the game
d'ont wanna lose it
dun wanna lose ya
and i never wanna let u go

everything u do commits me to stay
it's the hardest thing i'd ever have to say
cos i know that i been light years away
everything u do now
everything commits me to stay


-blog out-

thoughts

Yeaterday was the last day of TKD trainin b4 the long break for our exams. Gave it my all. New, unknown explosive energy flow into me. It was an energy surge. Dunno where it came from or what triggered it. I was untired, unbeaten. I felt invincible. Even Hairol who as always better than me was awe at my new found strength. Before I explain any further, take note that we are being train by a National Team Black belt, a SEA GAMES bronze medalist. He was invited down to train us. Courtesy of Sir Vincent. It was fun though. He gave us a taste of what they receive during national team trainin. Plenty of combo kicks and counter attack. Learnt alot from him. During the counter attck routine, i was given the privilege of pairing up with Sir Elmo. If you think that because I was only a Green tip, he would show a little mercy. Guess again. He gave his 100% power. Was back thrust a few times, turning kick many times. I felt like a sandbag. But sometimes, I do get 1 or 2 kicks in. Sir elmo was nice, he helped me alot. Gave a lot of tips and advice plus a few valuble tactics. Sir Vince too was there to guide me. I was havin trouble with my slide back and kick. He made me feel the momentum and i turn it into second nature.

After trainin, felt my whole body ache. I wasnt a painful feeling though but kinda like a wonderful feeling. Tired but nonetheless satisfied that i've learnt a few valuble lessons. Hopefully i could put them to good use. As usual, we brudders head down to our usual haunt, Clementi fountain. The guys were talkin junk as usual. I was sittin eating my hotdog. Minding my own business.

After that it sets me thinking, even till now. I lay down on the stone seats. Stare up to the sky. And wonder what she's doing? I decided to msg. She was on a bike so realise better not sms. Its dangerous to sms on a bike, even if ur pillion. At 11 we head for home. Reached home took a shower and head straight to bed. At last a long deserved rest for me.

"I dunno whats becoming of us. Is is because of what I said or done? or is it because of me as a person? I dunno if ur avoiding me, or im avoiding you or maybe we're avoiding each other. Maybe i should apologise. I dunno. Even if i haven done anything, maybe i should. I dunno whats happening up there in your head or heart. Even with that uncanny ability to put 2 and 2 together, this i cannot solve. I hope things were back to what it was before. Not to the time we dunno each other, not to the time we 1st met but the time when i knew that you had some feelings for me. Remember the sms. "I think about u too much already i think...", remember those late night conversations, remember the rose on valentines day, remember those days i sent you home, remember those happy times together. I remember those days. I really do. Because they hav been encryted into my memories to be kept forever and ever. Because every moment with you, I fear that it would be the last time. Thats why I truly made ever hour, every minute, ever second worthwhile for the me and for you 2. If possible, I would like that moment to last forever. Im not the best and will never be. I know im not perfect. Im not handsome. Im not that smart. But I do know that I would do anything juz to hav one breath of her hair, hell i would even fight juz to breathe in the same air ur breathing in. To see your face every morning is enough to make my whole day. I feel sad when ur sad. I cry when u cry. Im happy when ur happy. I can see that we share quite a lot of common interest. Is it good? or bad? It depends on each and every individual. Every sms, every email is kept because, i dunno if that particular sms or email is gonna be the last. Never hav i felt so attached to something so deeply before. It intruges me. Im baffled. Im dumbstruck. Tell me whats ur secret? Is they some kind of spell involved. If there is. Please keep me hypnotise. Because i dunno if i could ever survive, if the spell is ever lifted. I know that i can be such a pain in the ass at times. But thats me. Sometimes i push to get what i want. I've been patient. very patient. Because im afraid of blowing it. Everyday is a constant battle. I use to feel like im winnig the battle with each passing day. Now, its the other way round. Its like you're sittin next to me, and I cant hav you. Its like ur a bed of roses. So lovely and nice. But in order to get you, i will hav to endure the thorns. If im not careful, i'll get stung. I hav tread with caution. It like walkin in a mine field. 1 wrong move and that it. Your like the weather. Unpredictable. Usually i can sense that other people are feeling. So i know when to draw the line. But for you, its like there is a firewall, and unknown force which blocks me from gettin to know you more. This unknown force. i dunno where is its origin. Hopefully i day i could bypass it. Hopefully, i will find a flaw in it somewhere. I've written so much. Enough to make any girl realise something. I dunno bout you. I dunno how you feel or think. So far you know who you are right."

Or dont you? Anyway. I hope i could shed some light. Make some things clear. I know that im not suppose to write anything bout you in here. But i juz couldnt help it. I dont hav a diary. I need to write this down somewhere. To make my feelings known. I couldnt say it out to you, because its difficult. So I wrote it here where I feel much at ease. I express myself better when i write it down. I guess you understand coz u hav the same problem as well right. Ambiguous. Oh im havin a writer's block now. Cant think what to write anymore. I guess it god's way of tellin me thats enough. Aiight. I guess i better stop now.

So long.....

-blog out-

fuck up

It's a fuck up place, in a fuck up world. Everyday's a fuck up day. Im a fuck up kid, in a fuck up life. Everyone wants to fuck me up. Fuck you and fuck me too. Who gives a damn bout this fuck up boy? Who you? Dont fucking bluff me, you.

So in short I had a bad day. Im FUCKING UPSET today. All it needs is juz a few words. To made my life living hell. Im a fool. let me repeat that yes IM A FOOL. A FOOL in LOVE with you. I should have given up. But nooooooooooooo. Why? because im fed up with breaking down and cry all the time. Always giving other people chances. Fed up with putting others before me. Fed up with almost everything. There goes my everything.... Thats it. I think i blew it. I've offically blew my mind. Almost got myself killed today. Gone crazy. Hang out with Din and co. Blocked up the passage way of almost every lift we see. Tats it. The demon inside of me hav awoken. I think im gonna flunk 1st year. Yeah im gonna get myself notorious in school. Im gonna be the badass in school.

DAMN IM FUCKING INSANE TODAY. There she was askin if im ok. AND ALL I COULD SAY IS "WHY DO YOU CARE?" thats it. Im offically insane. SOMEBODY CALL IMH quick. ARGHHHHHHHHHH.

WHY WHY WHYWHWYWHYWHWYWHYWHWYWHYWYWHY does this happen to me???? Why now? WHY cant i juz lead a normal life. Its not like my life is extrodinary. Why do i hav always hav to be the leader? why do i hav to be the smart 1? why caant i be the cool 1? why cant i be the good lookin 1? why cant i hav her? why is my life like this? why do i think too much?

sfdohfdasucuhruhnfroihrfviohfvelkzxjlkxzxjzlkxlccxzlm

DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMNDAMN FUCK.

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH



Damn. Im crying now. Tears rolling down my cheek. Wetting the keyboard. Dont bother wiping it off. Im insane. Im scared. Im despondant. Im the loneliest kid on the face of the earth.

im done.....

-blog out-